You Know Who You Are

October 19, 2021

I’m D’ondra.
“I'm a Jesus loving, coffee drinking, romance reading, woodworker."
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My daughter, Kaylah turned 16 this past week.  Crazy, right?!  I mean, kids grow up so fast.  I remember it like it was yesterday, getting ready to go into labor with her.  It was an exciting and painful time in my life, contractions ain’t no joke y’all.

Today, she is no longer the infant I gave birth to 16 years ago.  Today, she is a young lady.  One I am extremely proud of.  She has grown up to be a very beautiful, kind, sweet, and moody (to say the least) teenager.

My mom is a party planner at heart and wanted to put on this big shin-dig for her 16th birthday.  I mean, pulling out the big guns.  We have a venue, a choreographer, custom dresses, and dinner all for her birthday.

It’s driving me crazy, but I’m excited to see it happen.  We’ve had dance rehearsals since August of this year and it all goes down tomorrow.  I’ve had kids in my home that I’ve grown to like a lot.  They’ve all been really good.

The boys have been respectable, the girls call me mom, I feed them, pick them up, take them home, and make sure they are taken care of when in my care.  I treat them like I would my own kids.

They’ve become a part of our family.  I’m almost sad to see it end…almost.  The week leading up to the dance, Tuesday, to be exact, I had a falling out with one of the parents of the children in the dance.  Not really sure why, but it happened.

The things that this person said to me, about my family had me questioning if I wanted their child in the dace anymore.  If my daughter and these kids hadn’t invested as much as they did, I would have told her to keep her and her child away from my family.

Hearing what was being said to me, about me, my husband, my kids, the way me and my husband are raising our kids and everything in between made me question where all this animosity was coming from.

I talked to this parent 3 times before this in person, but the night I send a text message about an extra rehearsal really set them off.

I got off the phone feeling attacked by a person who knows nothing about me.   They made up their mind as to who I was, based on coming to my house less than a handful of times, 2 of them were waved to me from the car.

That night, the kids that came over saw my demeanor change.  They told me to cheer up, even said if I wasn’t excited, how are they supposed to be excited.  Two of the boys even came to hug me together.   It was a very sweet gesture that warmed my heart to see them care the way they did.

I mean they’re teenage boys, but as I said, they are a good bunch of kids.  It really made me proud of my daughter to see the people she hangs out with are good kids.  It makes me feel like I did something right, you know?!

That night, before going to bed, I played what happened over and over trying to figure out if the conversation could have gone differently had I said this or that.  But realistically, I couldn’t even defend myself if I wanted to because I couldn’t get a word in the whole conversation.

I got off the phone ready to box…I was that heated.  That would have been a really good time for me to go to the gym and get some much-needed frustrations out.  Instead, I beat myself up and tried to figure out if what she said was valid.

I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t doing anything wrong, when in fact, I let the words she said to me, that had nothing to do with me, affect my attitude, disturb my peace, and made me question who I was.

Nothing that was said to me about my family was valid.  I know who I am as a mother, a wife, and a child of God.  Allowing the things that were said to get in my head stopped me from focusing on everything else I was supposed to do.

I didn’t realize how much it bothered me until I started crying when I heard the song  Glimmer In The Dust.  I remember thinking to myself, when am I going to hear from the Lord regarding this.

I need to know what I’m supposed to learn. Literally, a moment passed, and the Lord says:

I’m waiting on you

To allow me to heal the broken parts of your life

Your insecurities

Your deepest secrets

You’re uncertainties

Those are parts of you that I need you to let go of

Let me in those places

Stop trying to hide behind them

They no longer need to be hidden

Give me all of you

Not just the areas where you think you need me

Every part

That’s how you become whole again

That’s when things that people say no longer change how you feel or how you act

That’s when you no longer allow the negativity in your headspace and dwell on it

I will deal with her, you focus on your family

Nothing that woman said is true about your family and you know it, don’t give it any space

Remember you are my child, like you told Jada, I protect you, I keep you safe, I am in control

Stop focusing on her words and focus on who I’ve told you, you are

This isn’t a surprise to me, it might be to you, but I know your end from your beginning and you will always win

Keep your head up

I am proud of you

Don’t let this change how you see anyone, you know better, it’s to get you to focus on something else

Do not give it any space

You know what to think about, so start with that

You are a good mother, do not let anyone try to tell you anything different

Can we all take a moment to just thank the Lord for loving us unconditionally?  Knowing we will have shortcomings, more times than not, He still comforts us and tells us to get back up and keep going.

I mean, it hurt to hear what was being said.  Knowing that this person felt that way about us was like a slap in the face, but God allowed me to go through it to show me, myself.

This person’s son introduced me to a song, that totally summed up what was going through my head during all this “processing.”  It’s a song by Jonathan McReynolds called God is Good.

May your struggles keep you near the cross

And may your troubles show that you need God

And may your battles end the way they should

And may your bad days prove that God is good

And may your whole life prove that God is good

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