My family found out some devastating news a few months ago. While we have been dealing with it, we go through ups and downs with trying to find a balance between not wallowing in being in a depressed state and being ok.
As a mother, when my kids hurt, I hurt and a lot of that stems from me wanting to protect them. Now, I know I am not able to do that 24/7, but from what I can protect them from, I want to make sure I do that, but this instance is where I feel like, I didn’t.
While going through the motions of telling God all about it because I feel a huge weight on my shoulder, I almost feel alone in this situation. Truth be told, no one can make me feel better about it, but God. I’m also not one to continue to stay in a state of sadness, because I won’t let it rule my life, I have to find a release.
My release is my shop, my garage, my business where I am able to make something with my hands and see it transform before my eyes. I also may need to get back into boxing. If you’re reading this Brandon, don’t be shocked to see me soon, 😉
I have a habit of holding things in, and I’ve been realizing that it doesn’t do me any good to stay silent about things that bother me. I have to release it, that’s the only way I’ll be able to heal and move on. The thing is, when I think I’m doing the releasing, it has a way of coming back up like I didn’t really release it.
I try to let go, not think about it, dismiss the negative thoughts, but when I think I’m good and things are looking up, here it comes, popping its head back up like, oh! You thought I left, how silly of you!
Sounds funny, but it’s the truth. I’m hurting and don’t know how to let go of the hurt that continues to let me know that I hurt. Does that make sense? Like why won’t you leave me alone? I don’t want you here!
When I get like this, I have a talk with the Lord and tell Him all about it, and in the midst of that, get some relief, but I almost feel like it’s not enough. Like He’s holding on to the good stuff to make sure I come back to Him. Of course, He knows I will, because I don’t want to be ruled by my emotions.
I want to just be… but that’s not real life. Real life is tough and has good moments along with not-so-good moments so we’re able to appreciate the good moments. So when I cry out to the Lord, in the not-so-good moments, He reminds me that trouble doesn’t last always. That He’ll never leave me nor forsake me, that yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, He is with me.
I had a moment when I felt negativity creep up in me and begin to ask the Lord, am I doing something wrong?!
His response was:
You’re in a good place
You’ve had some peace
Your mind was taken off things,
You were happy and genuinely smiling
I need you at a place where you come to Me for help
It’s time to retreat
You’ve run out of ammo
Old tactics won’t work
You need to come back, gear up and regroup and get ready to get back out there
I have your next steps
I will see you through
But, I need you to trust Me
This is all for your good
Don’t let this keep you down
Acknowledge it, and press through
You’re in good hands, I’ve got you
Time to get to work
When I hear things like that, it lets me know this is the calm before the storm. This is just the beginning of what I will be going through, this isn’t the end. Even though I would love to be at the end, I know there are some things I need to go through to get me there.
My journey isn’t over and while I’m getting closer to the end, I’m still a ways from it. The Lord is definitely keeping me on my toes though because I am legit ready to pull my hair out with this mess. I just need to keep reminding myself this is happening for me, not to me!
Such a good perspective… happening for me; not to me. While I know the desire for “it” to be over, I know (as well as you) how amazing God is and the fact that nothing is wasted.
God is faithful
He most certainly is!